I'm letting my gray hair grow in...curious to see how it looks.  I have a couple of friends who've expressed varying degrees of dismay with the choice, and I may decide after it's grown in that I want to dye it again, but I'm rather liking the process.

There are a few glints of gray already in the hair on the top and when I lift up my bangs...there's the gray streak that prompted my hair color change in the first place some 8-10 years ago.  (Don't know when exactly I started...it was after I graduated from Pepperdine.)  I rather like the glints.  We'll see about the streak when I get a haircut in about 3-4 more weeks if I can stand how long my hair is for that long.

The gray hair got me thinking this morning about the aspects of middle age that I value.  Three things off the (graying) top of my head are acceptance, experience and adult friendships with siblings.

Acceptance comes in the form of understanding imperfection in a light that's impossible when one can still delude onself that cellulite only happens to other people.  I will never be young again.  I will never be as thin as I once was nor as convinced of my own ability to change the world. 

Accepting these facts has allowed me to enjoy viewing others in their youth.  In my thirties, I used to resent seeing a gorgeous young thing, perhaps because I believe if I worked hard enough, I could get back to that youthful bloom.  Now, I love seeing a beautiful young man or woman in their physical prime.  There's something triste about the view.  I see the beauty and the nonchalant way in which it is borne.  And I know that it will pass with time.

My challenges in middle-age have become smaller and more meaningful.  Instead of changing the world, I concentrate on making my world better (for myself and for those I share it with).  Instead of trying to go back and regain youth, I work to move forward and gain health.

Experience is a big part of the ability to change viewpoints.  It is also wonderful to be confronted by difficult situations and have the experience to draw on that will ease the situation's passage.  I have had the tough conversations in a work setting that allow me to have tough conversations with friends and family.  I have seen people bereft who survive and thrive.  I've even done a bit of that myself.  It's a tremendously hopeful age as a result.

The last of these three top of the head topics, friendship with siblings, is one of the best aspects of middle age.  As I said a few years back, while watching Dan and his brother, Steven, building a sand castle--it's like being a kid again.  Only you don't have to come in by five or worry about whether or not you can afford a sno-cone.  I felt the same way in Hawaii, with Dean and Donna.  Free to enjoy each other, adult enough to be trusted with ourselves but not so adult as to have forgotten how to play.  It was the same with Dale, last week playing golf.  With Dennis on hikes.  With Darrell, hanging out and talking over pizza.

In a less playful, but no less important sense, it was also the same with Charles as we walked and talked in Hillcrest, discussing childhood issues we'd never once mentioned since becoming adults.

And it's not just relatives.  I've enjoyed a similar freedom of adult playtime with sisters-in-law and sisters of the heart.  When I was a young adult, such times were impossible because of obligations to jobs, of others to their children and our own commitment to godchildren.  It was also difficult because I wasn't able to just "be" with folks yet, I was still to busy trying to achieve.

How nice to be middle-aged.  We'll see about how the gray hair fits in!

Got up at 5:45 a.m. this morning to play 9 holes of golf with Renee'.  I know many of my friends and family get up at "O'dark-thirty" to go to work...so I'm not complaining.  Just commenting that I was up with the larks.

Dan was not yet awake when I left (a very unusual turn of events).  Dan is not a lark.  I hope I didn't bug him too much as I left.

It was not a good game overall for me, but I did book 17 putts, 1 less than a 2-putt average, so at least part of my game was working.  I was in the water once and all over the place with my tee shots.  Not surprising being that I just had a lesson this past Sunday.  This means that every time I stood over the ball for a tee-shot, I kept thinking, "Now what was that about my shoulders?  Oh, yeah.  I need the right shoulder down, the club relaxed in my grip.  Turn, don't slide...Oh, shoot, I forgot to close the club face on my follow through!"

I had two great tee-shots.  The rest were...shall we say...inconsistent.  Renee' on the other hand had a great day.  And I'm glad for her while being the tiniest bit jealous (because I AM competitive, it's true).

One of the nice things about golf for me is that I do a lot of thinking while I'm on the course about how playing golf with a good attitude is like living life with the same.  Today, for example, I wasn't hitting as far as I was used to hitting.  So, I compensated by pulling out longer irons on the tee.

"Ah-ha!" I thought.  "Just like life.  I could spend my time being frustrated because I should be able to hit a 9-iron to this green.  Or I could listen to my observations of the round so far and play the game I brought rather than the game I expected."  Much more humane to play the 8 iron and let go of the "shoulds."

The other general observation I've gotten from golf lately is that it's a process of learning.  Even if I play the same course every week (or twice a week like Dad does), I never end up in exactly the same spot when I tee off.  Doesn't matter if I'm hitting the greens or not...I won't be in exactly the same spot twice. 

I can use my past experience to remind me how the green breaks, say, or what my chip shots have done in the past from the right side of the green.  But it's a new shot.  And sometimes, it's fun to try new things.  And if I miss the shot, I learn from it (I hope), chalk it up to practice and move on.

Why is it so hard to be so forgiving of oneself in the practice of living?  Why is it that we try so hard for perfect even though we're never going to get there?  I don't know the answers to that question.  But I do know that the more I play golf, the easier it is to remember that life is not a game of perfect.  It's a game (like golf) of being here now, dealing with the situation as it is (not as I wish it would be) and swinging through.

Sometimes you hit 'em straight and long.  Sometimes, you have to yell "Fore!" 

Even if you're Tiger Woods. 

Yes, folks, there was actual progress on the Great Landscape Project of 2007.  Trees were planted.  Woohoo!  I've added some photos below.  It's nice to have forward motion again, something I can point to when Dan comes home and asks, "What happened today?"

We're also moving along on design for the patio cover.  It looks like it will be built sometime next week and then we will have time to get the art fabricated and hung above and below the cover.  Should be pretty cool when it's done.  I'm working with Paul Maddox, a designer in Kona, whose work I saw in "Hawaiian Style" magazine.  Paul's been a delight to work with and I'm excited about the finished result. 

Just a few political thoughts this morning.  An article in yesterday's LA Times caught my eye, wherein the Attorney General of the United States could gain the power to "fast track" executions through the federal appeals process.  There are a couple of things I don't like about this idea.

First off, our current Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, is from Texas.  You know Texas...nationwide leader in executions.  They've put more prisoners to death in Texas since 1976 than the nearest state by a factor of 300%.  (Virginia is #2 for those keeping score at home.)  The likelihood of a prisoner getting thoughtful treatment from a man who isn't even impartial when firing US Attorneys...well, I don't have much hope for those who may be on the defense side, let's just put it that way.

Then there's the idea that the Attorney General, under the new regulations, would get to decide whether or not "adequate" representation has been given to convicts.  In the past, this decision was made by Federal judges.  And the convict would have a mere six months to file a federal appeal once the state courts have ruled against him or her.  I know from grim, personal experience that one cannot get a quality appeal done in that amount of time on a lesser crime (unless one has a lot of money...which these folks usually don't).

This is all, by the way, part of the Patriot Act.  I feel safer from terrorists already.

Speaking of which, another article in the LA Times this morning talks about an attorney representing an Islamic foundation whose wires were allegedly tapped by the Federal government in violation of the FISA laws.  The article is worth a read.  The attorney had to draft a response to the Attorney General's filing, which he wasn't able to read in its entirety while locked in a room without reference materials!

I can't make this stuff up.  You'd never believe it.

The lawyer, Jon Eisenberg, said about the process--"The soul of America's government is transparency — openness in the affairs of its three constitutional branches."

It used to be, Jon.  Some might see these new playing fields as a sort of progress.  Not so much me.

I don't really have all that much to say about Karl Rove's announcement yesterday that he is resigning from the Bush administration effective the end of August.  As a friend of mine said, if this had been a year ago, my response would have been a loud and extended huzzah.

But now?  It's too little.  It's too late.  It's too scott-free.

When Bush announced with his usual smirk that Rove is "movin' on down the road," I felt frustrated (as usual) by his deliberate folksiness.  And during the mutual declarations of friendship, admiration, continued loyalty and the presumed blessings of God, I did have the slightest pang of relief that at least we wouldn't have to contend with Rove's shenanigans.

But the truth is, we haven't had to contend with much of Rove's behind the scenes maneuvering since he was nearly outed as leaker-in-chief during the Valerie Plame investigation.  He was hamstrung then.  After the 2006 elections, he was all but finished.  

I've never thought of Rove as the sort of Darth Vaderesque villain that many liberals cast him as.  Instead, he is like many Bushies (and like Bush himself) a far more dangerous sort--a "true believer."  The true believer is a type I've mentioned before...someone with fanatical loyalty, tunnel vision, a supreme conviction that he or she knows absolutely the absolute truth, and a willingness to act on that conviction.  Often, with true believers, morality and scruples are sacrificed to the greater good of "truth."  I think that's what we've seen with Rove.

So it was particularly telling to me that Rove's greatest praise for Bush was this: "Through it all, you've remained the same man."

Someone please explain to me how it can possibly be positive that one could go from governor to president, take the nation from surplus to deficit, take the world from relative peace to global conflict (regardless of who started it) and remain "the same man."

I am afraid Rove's description was entirely accurate.  Bush has remained the same man, in face of almost impossible odds, and we are the lesser for it as a nation and a species.

One of the factors that has helped Bush remain steadfast even in the face of solid evidence that his way isn't working, is the codependent admiration of true believers.  If he's got one less on September 1st than he has today...well, I guess it's a good thing.

Get on down the road, Karl. 

I've done a bit more research on Joe Biden, currently Senator from Delaware who is one of the dem's running for President.  On the "pro" side of the column, I agree with his stands on healthcare and the economy.  He has shown tremendous leadership on the genocide in Darfur (doing far more than the current administration) and his plan for stabilizing and then getting the heck out of Iraq is exactly what we need to do (imho).

Also on the plus side are his leadership roles in the Senate.  He is the past chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee and the current chair of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations.  I like the way he championed civil liberties in the past and, if he gets to be president, I'd hope that he would move us back toward the preservation of civil liberties after what this administration has done to gut them.

And the experience he has on the Foreign Relations committee gives him a certain depth in a critical area for the person taking over from Bush.  He knows the issues thoroughly and has seen presidents come and go with their various approaches...so he may be able to modulate his own approach if he was president.

That said, we have the con column.  He is wordy.  I know that's an interesting condemnation coming from a wordy blogger...but it means that he is challenged in saying what he means concisely and directly.  A president needs to be an effective communicator and while Biden's got the intellectual chops to define meaningful positions and set direction, he doesn't have the pithy appeal of a Bill Clinton, nor the conciseness of McCain.

His experience is limited to being a lawyer and being a politician (35 years in Congress).  Granted, he has been a leader in the Senate, chairing committees and proposing meaningful legislation.  But he hasn't been an actual leader in the sense of being a governor or a head of business...so that's a real negative in my book...at least from a political campaign perspective.

To summarize, thumbs up on the policies and positions.  Thumbs down on the charisma/communication and thumbs partially down on experiene.  Sounds like a typical democratic candidate these days.

His position on Iraq (linked above) is definitely worth checking out.  So far, I'm leaning more toward Biden than away...but we'll see where further research on other candidates takes me.

In the meantime, the things I like about Joe have led to some additions on the "In Search of a President" page.  Check 'em out...and tell me what you're looking for!

I pretty much had to name today's blog, "It Is What It Is" after the events of the past few days.  The saying is a pretty common one these days and it has its uses.  I use it for situations where I'd like to have control but I don't...like when traffic is jammed up on the freeway as you're heading down to tee off with your Dad and your older (oldest!) brother, Dale.  That's an appropriate use of the saying.  "I left two hours before tee-time.  Traffic shouldn't be this bad on a Friday at midday, but it is what it is."

There are other situations where it's not an appropriate saying.  Like when you're talking to you landscaper and he informs you that the plants he promised to order last week (and promised last week to order the week before) have finally been ordered and may (or may not) be on Monday's truck.  So you say to your landscaper that it's pretty disappointing to hear that the plants are just being ordered when your project has ground to a halt without any substantial work being done.  And your landscaper says to you, "It is what it is."

Now that's inappropriate.  Why?  Because the saying is used to calm yourself down in events where YOU have no control.  Not as a cliche to be tossed like a week-old bone to a disappointed client.  The saying assumes the speaker had no control over the situation.  In this case, the speaker had lots of control over the situation...just seems to have had piss poor prioritization.  (Pardon my somewhat colorful alliteration.)

That aside, I had a wonderful weekend.  Dan and I headed down to San Diego through some terrible traffic (it is what it is) and just made our tee-time with Dad and Dale.  We played as teams, Dale and I against Dan and Dad.  Dale and I lost.  (It is what it is.)

Dale told me my political musings had messed up his sleep the night before (It was what it was), and we agreed that we love each other despite not often agreeing on politics...and we agreed to keep loving each other even when we disagree!  I also told him my list of requirements for a president is nowhere near finished (and in no particular order!).

I lost the beer hole (it is what it is) and didn't have any money to pay for the beer...so Dan paid.  (Sorry, Dan.  See, this would NOT be an appropriate place to say it is what it is because I should have had money with me...my bad.)

Then we enjoyed a nice dinner with Dad and Sally at the clubhouse at  Singing Hills Golf Resort.  I had prime rib.  Yum!

Yesterday morning, we went to see Brian, June, Avery and the darling little Ainsley Madiera.  We got lost on the way (it is what it is) but managed a nice long visit nonetheless.  Brian and June have done a ton of work on the house and have an obviously loving and healthy relationship with Avery.  So fun to see this generation being the parents!

After a relaxing afternoon at Dad and Sally's, we went to check out Deanna's new condo in Santee.  It's adorable and she's done a wonderful job decorating it.  She'd like to have a new couch but can't quite afford it yet (it is what it is) so she's making due with a serviceable couch in the meantime.  I couldn't tell the difference, but I know how she feels since we want to replace a couple of our couches.

We had dinner at the wonderful mexican restaurant (off Home Avenue and the 94 in San Diego) that we often go to when the Baldridge gang gets together.  Good food and great company.  We talked about 50th birthdays, my spendthrift nature, future trips together and generally had a great time.  I love my family...in-laws, steps, it doesn't matter.  A bunch of awesome people and I always look forward to being with them.

This morning, Dan and I headed off to golf lessons in Carlsbad at Aviara Golf Course.  The pro there (Bruce Nakamura...very good teacher) got me mostly straightened out.  Until the next time I play golf and it all feels wrong.  Then I'll hit a tree and end up in the sand trap and the only thing way I can possibly respond is to go, (SAY IT WITH ME NOW), "it is what it is."

This morning, a friend of mine forwarded a YouTube link to me.  The homespun musical number, "It's All Because" spoofs folks who focus on gay marriage as a Great Evil and the cause of our woes as Americans (terrorist attacks, global warming, poverty on the rise, jobs harder to find, etc., etc.)

The video is hilarious and the tune is catchy.  I'll be walking around all day singing, "That's because all the gays are getting married."  Actually, the tune reminds me quite a bit of Rocky Horror Picture Show's zeitgeist...deceptively simple tunes that linger.

The topic raised by the video seems to linger as a conservative touchstone for all things "wrong" and "evil" in America.  (Actually, one of the reasons I left my most recent church was a constant reference to "gay activists" and homosexuality, week in, week out.)  As a recovering fundamentalist, and still Christian, I don't understand why people who claim to love and follow Christ are obsessed with sexuality and the so-called "sins" of others.  Certainly not the example of the Christ I read about...you remember Him.  He was the guy who stopped the stoning of the woman caught in adultery.  The one who dined with sinners.  The one who healed lepers.  He was the one who was harshest on those who believe they had all the answers and gentlest to those who knew better.  Because the simple truth is, we're all human and none of us know.

Dan and I have been married for over 25 years now.  We have had easy times and we've had tough times.  Sometimes, we've had both at once.  We have grown together from wee pups of 21/22 and a good part of the reason we've been able to grow is because we had the support of our families.  Our family (and circle of friends) includes gay couples, straight couples and single folks of both persuasions.  We are blessed by and happy to love and be loved by all of them.

One of our friends, the one who sent me the link today, said this of his recently celebrated 20th anniversary (and recent legal registration as partners):  "Planning the party and making the arrangements to "register" really made me spend some time looking back over the last 20 years, thinking about who we were then and who we have grown to be.  I have marveled at being more in love now than ever in spite of lots and lots of tough things we have been through.  I came to realize that part of what has worked so great for us is that we really grew up together."

Sounds a lot like us, to me.

I posted a new poem and a short story over the past few days, by the way.  Dont' forget to check out those pages from time to time.

Been doing some thinking today about what a great metaphor golf is for life.  I went out and played 9 holes this morning with my friend, Renee and some shots were great, some were not so good, some were adequate.

That's what I've finally come to expect from my golf game.  I know I don't invest as much time in it as I would need to in order to be consistently in the "adequate to great" range.  Over the last 10 years or so of playing, I've been able to move from a mental state where I'd expect myself to play excellent golf to a more realistic and forgiving mental state where I expect to play golf that's not completely embarassing.

I am also finding that it helps to view most rounds as "practice" sessions rather than tournament type play.  If I am in an unusual lie (usually after some of those not so good shots!), I enjoy it a lot more if I say, "I'm going to try something and see what happens."  Sometimes what happens is a good surprise and I try to replicate the swing and grove in the technique.  Sometimes it's a disappointment and I try to figure out what went wrong.  I've even been known to try it again if no one's behind us.

I had two of those shots today, both after errant drives.  In one case, I was on a rise of about 5 feet next to the pin with the green slanting away.  I opened my pitching wedge and hit lightly under the ball, almost like a sand shot, but making sure to finish my swing.  The first one went a bit too far off the green for my taste, so I tried it again.  (Lesson, try not to have those shots around the green and expect to hit it close to the pin the NEXT shot).

The other learning shot today was when I hit the drive a bit right on the last hole.  I was behind some trees and I knew if I just chipped out onto the fairway, I would have to lay up to get to the green.  So I hit over the trees (Yaay!) and into the gully (Boo!) and ended up the same stroke wise as my best case would have been if I'd chipped out.

I am trying to incorporate the same attitude about life as I've learned about golf.  I'm not here to be perfect...heck, the things I can do perfectly are pretty simple.  Tie my shoes, fold the laundry...chores at which I've had a lot of practice.  Okay, my guacamole is almost perfect  but I've had lots of practice at making it, too!

But other things like writing novels, remodeling the house or taking care of friends/family or having a ton of people over...these are areas where I get stressed out...and it's because I expect a better result than my experience would usually warrant from a reasonable perspective.

There was a book a few years ago, "Golf is not a Game of Perfect."  Well, today I say "Life is not a Game of Perfect" either.  Sometimes you hit em long and straight.  Sometimes not.

An article in this morning's LA Times, about a jail chaplain named Don Dickinson, really touched me.  A retired fireman, Dickinson has been a chaplain in the LA Jail system for 25 years now, splitting his time between the jail downtown and the Pitchess Detention Center up in my old neck of the woods, Santa Clarita.

Dickinson apparently has moved from spending most of his time with prisoners to spending a significant amount of time counseling the family members of prisoners.  As someone who has seen the jail and state prison system up close (we have a close friend in prison), I am positive that he is making a real difference in many lives.

We had a conversation with some friends over the weekend about the conditions in prison.  Specifically, we were talking about the guards and how most of them are inhumane...and why most of them are inhumane.  Imagine a job in which you are unable to trust, where every time you trust, you get burned.  Imagine a job where you are in real danger most of the time.  Can't be easy. 

On the other hand, imagine having your most intimate personal freedoms taken from you.  You are told when and what to eat, when to sleep, when to shower and take care of other bodily functions.  You get to see your family and friends (if you're lucky enough to still have them) for a few hours at a time.  If you're in jail, it's always behind glass.  If you're in prison, it's in the visitor's center where you count yourself lucky to eat food from a vending machine.  Where you endure a strip search for a few hours with someone who loves you enough to visit.

Imagine going to visit your loved one in such a place.  The guards treat visitors like prisoners who just haven't been busted yet.  They call inmates' children "little cons."  You stand in line for hours, endure searches and rules for clothing that change each visit.  You are allowed one kiss and hug.  You buy junk food from the machine because that's all you can give your prisoner.  You talk about a life you feel guilty leading because he's in prison.  He talks about a life you'd rather not imagine.  Too soon, it's over and you get one more kiss and hug.

And then you leave him there with guards who you don't trust, who you know assume the worst about all of you.

What an empowering thing for Dickinson to do, talking to these family members.  He's helping them understand the system, understand the cyclical nature of re-offending.  He's helping them access programs that will help their inmate stay out of jail for good. 

I don't have a solution to the mess our prisons are in...haven't done the research and it's so overwhelming on a personal level I can't really manage to think about the global issues.  But I do know that Dickinson is making himself part of the solution, one life at a time.