I started out the morning with the intention of blogging about the LA Times article describing changes to our civil liberties that will stay in place long after Bush has gone "back" to Crawford.

But in between, I did laundry (took the whole flippin' day and I still didn't get it all done), fixed lunch for myself, emailed a ton (catching up) and made several appointments...and took a walk.

I'm exhausted!  Chemo's been moved up to tomorrow at 8:45 a.m, so start your prayer engines early.

And here's the link to the LA Times article.  Worth reading imho.

To be perfectly honest, it was really walks and A restaurant, but I did feel well enough to go on some excursions today.  That's a definite blessing and a win (thanks, God!).  I started the day being somewhat "slantsy" as Ken coined the term--a combination of sleepy and ansty brought on by the lack of sleep the last few days and by the compazine, I believe, which has been so effective at managing the nausea but also has a jumpiness side effect.  Hence...slantsy.

After the compazine wore away, with no ill effects literally, we braved an outing to our favorite local Mexican restaurant (Avila's Restaurant on La Paz) where I had chicken soup.  Somewhat typically, I saved half of the soup for dinner and then forgot it on the table.  <sigh>

The rest of the day has been passed in the pleasant pursuits of phone conversations with friends and family, of hanging out with Cindy, with Ken and Dan, in watching a documentary (more on that later) and in talking an afternoon constitutional.  The weather is exceptional outside...a nice change from the frigid temperatures we've been having.  I didn't walk as far as I have walked but I walked farther than yesterday.  As Cindy Siler said in her post the other day..."Welcome to the roller coaster ride called 'fighting cancer.' "  I must say, I prefer these upward days.

The documentary we watched was called Jesus Camp.  The film follows a youth pastor (Becky Fischer) as she seeks to influence young kids for Christ.  Her perspective is staunchly conservative, evangelical and charismatic.  It was fascinating to watch, no matter which side of the political or religious spectrum from which you hie, the influence of group dynamics on these kids.

I found the kids' sincerity to be uplifiting and ultimately hopeful.  I found the conflation of religion and politics to be disturbing.  I found Miss Fischer to be a compelling and sympathetic person whose absolute conviction of the truth of her brand of Christianity to be entirely in sync with her efforts.

Overall, I thought the movie came from a left bias.  Cindy and I were not sure if producers were aware of the ironies provided by the left(ish) broadcaster who appeared in parts of the film with his own brand of "true religion."

The film sparked a wonderful conversation among Ken, Cindy and me as we discussed various aspects of our faith, and shared some quotes, prayers and verses that have been meaningful to us on our spiritual journies. 

I find the topic of interest because, as I've indicated before on this blog, I started my Christian life at a fairly young age, progressed from Methodist to Conservative Baptist, to Presbyterian and back to Baptist--all the while coming to terms with "articles of faith" that I did not find illustrated in the Bible or in the lives of Christians who clearly loved and followed God.  (Sometimes despite what they said.)  I've come to believe in a Creator of infinite compassion.  I believe in that Creator within the framework of Christianity because that it is the religion that speaks to my heart of a central truth...a God who loves the world so much that he gives his only begotten son so that no one would perish.  I don't know the mysteries or intricacies of how that works.

And that statement alone is probably what led to my break with the conservative church.  It has long been my prayer that if I err, I hope it is on the side of compassion.

At any rate, with regard to the film, I'd say if you have an interest in Christianity and Politics...and the crossroads at which they meet in our nation, this film is worth your time.

Rent it.  Watch it with someone who will be willing to discuss it. 

This one's eay to come up with given timing.  What's your primary goal for the New Year?

Some days are good...some days not so good.  As it turned out, yesterday was a not-so-good day in terms of how I felt and what my body decided to do.  (Nausea, salutes to the porcelain god, rejection of pain medication and a hello from my liver tumors to remind me of the battle ahead.)

Even so, there were bright moments amidst the darkness.  The on-call doctor was very responsive and helpful (especially when talking to Dan, who was more coherent than yours truly).  Dan was so amazingly attentive it gives me a lump in my throat to think about.  Cindy, Ken and Mom were concerned and at the same time, low key.  So when I had to take to my bed, I did.

I think we've got a new, micro-dose regimen under control now, so the pain is better and the nausea seems to be gone (thank the Lord for compazine).  Today may be shaping up to be a recuperation, status quo day.

A few weeks ago, I journaled what I believe is an original saying.  It's helping me to get through the harder days (as is Psalm 139).  I wrote:

"I can learn from yesterday.  I can prepare for tomorrow.  But I can only live today."

So my focus is on each day, even when they're the tough ones.  Days like yesterday remind me of how much I have to be grateful for--my hubby, my doctors, my friends and family.  I don't relish them...but I treasure the small blessings tucked in among the aches and pains.  As for tomorrow?  Well, I'm hoping for one step forward. 

I've posted a couple of photos from our Christmas celebration yesterday for your enjoyment.  It really was a delicious meal (Cindy and Mom outdid themselves).  Cindy, Dan and I also enjoyed a glass of an exceptional wine (which I had been granted dispensation for by my physician's assistant last week)...a bottle of 1993 Harland Estates Cabernet.  Yum!

I was also gratified to get, completely by chance, a carabiner with a compass on it as my "Christmas Cracker" gift.  It affirmed my (still) goal to make it to Machu Picchu on my 50th birthday in a very special way.

Today was rather a disorienting return to matters both more mundane and, at the same time, of seemingly more weight as Dan and I met with my oncologist.

He's pleased with my progress on healing, so much so that we begin chemo next Wednesday.  I'll skip the gory details here on the blog but wanted to note that at least we are starting down that part of the journey.  It was a bit anxiety inducing to go to the office but the staff and Dr. Cheng are all so warm and nice that I soon felt better. 

The Xanax helped too.

We brought lunch home and then were joined by Mom's friend Liliane (who brought a kugel and some books) for a visit.  After a walk around the neighborhood, I was so wiped out I actually took a nap.  A nap!  Me!?

Well, yes.  So it's looking like another evening of DVD watching, a reprise of Christmas dinner (yummy leftovers) and continuing to enjoy time with family.  Hope all is proceeding well at your homes!  As Liliane noted, this is one of the years where Hannukah and Christmas coiincide...so I am pleased to wish each and all of you, once again, Happy Holidays!

The roast beast is nearly done and filling the house with the most delectable aroma.  We will have winter vegetables as accompaniment and then a "buche de noel" for dessert.  All prepared by Cindy and Mom with minimal assistance from me.

(Although the holiday table does look nice, if I do say so myself...and that was a joint venture between Cindy and me.)

So we (Dan and Laura, Ken and Cindy, Charlene) wish you and yours the merriest of Christmases, the happiest of New Years and a quiet space to digest your own holiday feast.

Photos to follow...I promise!

Christmas Day is almost upon us and I am indeed beginning to feel a bit festive (and that's not just the percocet talking)!  A promised storm is rumbling in from the North, so we should have a cozy day today followed by a very simple Christmas...stockings, lit tree and a holiday meal (prepared by Cindy and Mom).

Sadly, there will be a shocking lack of Trader Joe's pecan rolls to warm our Christmas morning.  I sent Cindy and Ken in search of the frozen delectables yesterday and they were all sold out.  Same for the TJ's near Dan's work.  So I'm going to go out later (with someone else driving) and see what we can find by way of a meager substitute.

I am so grateful this Christmas for the love of our Creator.  For the love of an incredibly thoughtful husband.  For the practical caring and prayers of family, friends and strangers.  For the world I am fortunate to inhabit, mere miles away from folks who will not be so fortunate as we when the storm blows in.  We have a roof and a warm hearth.  They, I'm afraid, have a cardboard shack in the Tijuana dump.  Special blessings to Pastor Von and those from Spectrum Ministries (part of the church of my youth) who carry Christmas through the mud to the shining face of a joyful child.

Ken and Cindy got here yesterday and it was a lazy-ish day as they adjusted to the time zone and to taking the red-eye here from Hawaii.  I was, of course, still mostly sedentary although we did manage to get in my longest walk since surgery.  Go team!

One of the fun things about hanging out with Ken and Cindy is that they love movies as much as I do.  I was definitely ready for a movie of stronger fare than I had last week (watching old favorites and enjoying Space Chimps is fine in its way but sometimes a new, challenging film is called for.)

We found just the ticket in the movie, The Visitor.  I had previously seen bits of this movie while flying across country...with the sound off and only intermittent viewing, it didn't appear to be much of a film.

But with the sound on, with the full texture and nuance of characters presented by a uniformly talented cast, this film is truly a jewel of a story.  Richard Jenkins, an easily recognized character actor, has the lead as a widowed professor who finds squatters living in his New York apartment and forms an unlikely friendship with them.  To tell you any more about the moving plot would be to deprive you of the experience of the film's unfolding.

Jenkins was nominated for a SAG award for his role.  In my opinion, any of the other characters in the film's small cast would also be worthy of nomination.  The actors are: Haaz Sleiman as the young, drum-playing squatter, Daina Gurira as his girlfriend, and the luminous Hiam Abbass as the drummer's mother.  If you haven't already seen this film, buy it for yourself for Christmas.  It is rich with meaning, thick with craft and a film you will see again and again.

I've been out of the hospital for just under a week and am feeling up to doing some reading and research about my health situation.  I've started with two books:  Recalled by Life by Anthony J. Sattilaro, MD and Choices in Healing by Michael Lerner. 

I read through Sattilaro's book in two sittings.  It's a fascinating account of his diagnosis with Stage IV (D) metastatic prostate cancer back in the 1970's.  The cancer had gone from his prostate to the bones of his back, head, ribs and collarbone.  He was given less than 3 years to live according to doctors. 

Coming home from his father's funeral (his father died from a different type of cancer soon after Sattilaro's diagnosis), he picked up two hitchhikers.  One of them immediately fell asleep, but the other talked to Sattilaro about his cancer, about how it could be cured by "eating right," and then went on to insist they stop by a health food store before he dropped them off.

A few weeks later, a package outlining the miracles of a macrobiotic diet, including healing claims for several people, arrived at Sattilaro's door.  Willing to try anything to prolong his life, he made a few inquiries and immediately switched to a macrobiotic diet.

Macrobiotic diets consist mainly of whole grains (50%), vegetables (25 - 30%) and beans/sea vegetables (15%) along with condiments and soups.  It's a radically different diet than most Americans, even most health conscious Americans, eat.

In the years since the 70's, we've come to see that our diets (rich in animal fats, high in salt, low in fiber) are not good for us.  True to form, instead of shifting to a more basic diet, we've tried to produce our way out of "bad foods" by creating "low-fat, low-salt, low-calorie" foods...many of which just make the problem worse by creating chemically laden foods that are significantly short in nutritional value.

What's interesting to me after reading this book is that I am not inclined to immediately start a macrobiotic diet.  Which is not at all to say I don't want to live enough to alter my diet.

I'm just not convinced that the reason for my getting cancer is poor diet and nutrition.  True, I was about 35 pounds overweight and I like desserts and wine.  However, I also exercised regularly; ate whole grains and nuts rather than chips and pasta; gobbled down veggies; made healthy, home cooked meals that left out animal fats, excess salt and red meat.

And yet, I have a Stage IV cancer despite my healthier than not eating habits and exercise habits.  It's perplexing...and it makes me a bit hesitant to jump onto a macrobiotic wagon at this point.

Still doing my research, and I might meet with someone who's an expert in such a diet...but at this point...it's a no go.

The other book, Choices in Healing is written from the standpoint of understanding the difference between traditional (Western) medicine and complementary approaches to cancer (like diet, meditation, etc).  This is a lot slower going but may prove to be more useful in the long run.

Still, I recommend Recalled by Life to anyone interested in the topic of cancer and diet.  It's well-written, compelling and a quick read.

I suppose the last thing that I take issue with in Sattilaro's book comes in the last couple pages (and it's a topic for a whole 'nother blog).  Sattilaro says, "My cancer was the result of my taking and taking until I had to ask for my very life.  Selfishness is its own terminal illness."

While I respect the spiritual journey that this man (who went on to live for years past his prognosis before eventually dying from cancer after going off the macrobiotic diet) took, I cannot share his conviction about what leads to cancer.  It may be true that, in his case, the causes were both spiritual and dietary...a sort of selfishness and isolation that took him through excess to illness.

In my case, I simply don't know why I'm fighting the monster.  I just know I am. 

My friend, Bev Sykes, posted a great blog about having a non-traditional Christmas.  Inside the blog was this gem of a quote:

"And what's Christmas if you aren't feeling guilty about Emily Post's displeasures?"

Amen, sister.  About 10 years ago, I started taking Christmas back from my unspoken assumptions and rules about the holiday (not the least of which was making a Christmas house for kids Dan and I had never produced).  Doing so required the breaking of rules, some unbending of my heart and saying goodbye to certain parts of the tradition.

Which leads to the Sunday question (and assuming there are folks of other than Christian faith who drop by the blog):

What holiday tradition has it been most profitable for you to break?