Isn't it funny how we keep relearning the same lessons over and over in our lives?  In my case, I have a very strong penchant for seeing life in either/or, all or nothing terms.

This trait has stood me in good stead when I've needed to compete or to excel at some task or objective.  Yet in this brave new world of cancer, I find it serves me less well than what I'm calling "the third way."

As an example, I woke up on Sunday feeling (as I now recognize I do on most post-chemo Sundays) rather grumpy.  What was bothering me, I wondered.  Why was my soul inhabited by a foul, cranky, three-year-old?

I journaled for a bit and it occurred to me that I have been telling myself all through this chemo process that I am allowed Thursday afternoon through Saturday night as my "VLE" days.  By Sunday, I should be back to "normal."

So I asked Dan, and he confirmed, that by and far Sundays were my worst emotional days.  As he put it, "You want it to be done and it's not."  Upon further reflection, I realized that there's also a bit of all or nothing thinking in the mix.  Either I'm 100% on Sunday or the day is a loss.  I have failed.  Hence the three-year old.

What a weight off my shoulders when I realized that this is an artificial, self-made goal.  There is no guidebook for chemo weeks that says, "If you're not feeling 100% on Sunday, you've failed at chemo and you're going to get a "C" in chemo."

So I relaxed, passed an extremely pleasant and low-key day with Dan.  Lesson learned, right?  I can check the box and move on?

Not quite.  I woke up on Monday and really wanted to be done with cancer entirely.  I've learned my lesson.  The tumors can just go away now and I can go back to "real life."

What is real life?  Well, in my mind, I had decided that real life included travel (to Machu Picchu for my 50th), finishing and publishing my novel, playing golf, helping folks out who need a bit of caretaking, enjoying a good chardonnay most evenings.  You know.  Regular life.

And I was pretty cranky about the idea that I don't get to have that now because of cancer.  So my wonderful therapist Anne and I discussed times in life where my expectations have not been met due to shifting realities.  We talked about being able to hold onto dreams without giving them deadlines.  We talked about being able to say "someday" instead of "on this date."

And somewhere during the conversation it clicked that I was learning, AGAIN, the same lesson from Sunday.  It's not either I get my old life back or nothing.  The truth is that I'm on this chemo path for a while.  In the meantime, I'm living my life.  My real life.  Because sometimes life throws you a whammy and bam, you're on a different path than you planned on taking.

And that path...well, the view from here is pretty awesome most days.  And the hike is far more challenging than climbing Machu Picchu will be, I suspect.

So I've decided that this process of growth, where I keep learning the same thing over and over is a type of meditation--where one returns daily to the same topic (say compassion or the third way) and plumbs it again for new insight.

Pretty good work for a nondescript Tuesday, I'd say!