Had a great talk with Erik Kieser today about the faith journeys we've both been on in our lives.  I first said the prayer to become a Christian back when my hand was pierced by a pitchfork by my brother, Bob.

Depressed, stressed by recent abuse by a neighbor, in shock--I told my Mom "I might as well die.  Only bad things ever happen to me."  Mind you, I was about 11 years old. 

I'd been to church most of my young life, so I knew the story of Jesus.  But it was Mom who told me that day about his sacrifice so that I could live...and in that telling, something indelible took hold of my soul.  It would be another 5 years before the "born again" experience of my teenage years.  I worshipped God; loved His radical son, Jesus; felt the whispers of God's spirit in my deepest heart.

Somewhere along the way...partly due to the churches we went to, partly due to my past and my own mixed up thoughts, I forgot about the powerful, muscular, radical Jesus of the Bible.  I confused him with the message some churches teach about fitting into behavioral boxes of piety, self-denial, and martyrdom.  Jesus became the ultimate co-dependent in my mind.  He always gave all of himself away to everyone else.  And thus, so should I.

Except for two itty bitty points. 

1.  Jesus did not always give away all of himself to everyone else.  He went to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights to be alone, to wrestle with himself, his ministry, his temptations. 

He certainly didn't give himself away to the Sadducees and the Pharisees.  He answered their questions with more questions.  Questions designed to show their theological and philosophical flaws.  Not very "nice" of him.

And often, when he healed people, he acted strangely...either asking them to keep it a secret or asking them to proclaim the miracle.  Inconsistent of him.

He stopped people from stoning a woman.  He spoke with an unacceptable woman at a well.  He ate with sinners and tax collectors.  (Today's equivalent might be sitting down to a meal with AIG executives and the octuplet mom.)  But when he sat with these people, he asked them life-changing questions.  He did not pity or patronize them.  He challenged them.

2.  While I believe with all my heart that God wants us to be more like Christ, I also believe that I am human.  I make mistakes.  I fail to live up to standards of even moderate perfection let alone Christ-like purity.  Especially a false Christ.  The doormat Christ.  The one who looks and acts nothing at all like the person we see if we read the Bible.

It is such a blessing to be free of this delusion.  I realize that some of my readers aren't of the Christian faith.  Thank you for reading this entry anyway (assuming you've gotten this far).  Because I also believe that, whether or not you follow Christ, this realization today that I'd traded in my powerful beliefs for a group-think facsimilie has resonance with every human of every (and of no) faith.

We have some powerful paradigms in our culture about what it means to be "good," to be "successful."  We have very few examples of authenticity and the personal and cultural power it imbues.  I'm so grateful for a conversation with an old friend that reminded me of one such example and also affirmed my journey and my reasons for parting ways with the Fundamentalist church.

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